I had hoped I would get through the holiday and feel better, to find the joy of the season somewhere within. Instead, I find myself frustrated, sad, disappointed and worn out altogether.
Call it a crisis of faith, call it a breakdown. All I know is my faith in a higher plan that God has set forth for me, is shaken. That confidence of knowing I am meant to travel a certain route is nearly gone. It has been replaced with frustration and disappointment. I know I am not to question God’s plans for me, but to instead hold tight to my faith and wait to see what God is manifesting for me. But the reserves of strength and faith are running out. Disappointment after disappointment, wrong decision after wrong decision, heartbreak after heartbreak leaves me wondering why. Why do I seem to be stuck in pain, why does joy elude me, when is it going to end?
The countless tears are taking a toll. A favorite Bible verse echoes jarringly in my head, but not latching onto my heart. Still, I cling to it, willing it to quell my tears, cool my frustration. I suppose I am at the point where my faith is the size of a mustard seed and I pray that I shall soon move mountains.